Loss

Rodney Gomez

Lately I have been a gap.
Moth clouds follow me to bed.
I counted them: twenty, fifty, block, choke.

In the room where I used to sleep
a breath hangs low on the bed
and hoarsens the room.
No one knows where the air is
charged and released into the world,
but it thistles.

This is how breathing fills a house
with family: breathing to draw
the buzzing to its source
and breathing to lacquer a plugged maze.

How a house fully beamed and walled
is not a house, but a husk.
How a life in the span of a few breaths
becomes a clockless thing.

#sobfest

Untitled
https://g.co/doodle/65chm9

 

I learned how to cry finally a couple of years ago. I’m trying to find out if I can make it into a super power. So far I’m still really very bad at it, but Mr Rogers, everytime. Thanks for this waterworks grenade, search engine corp. Between this and a ‘They Grow Up So Fast ‘ video compilation of photos of my child stored on google, I guess I’ll just go for the hat trick, rewatch Dear Zachary, and call it a day. (p.s. no one watch Dear Zachary unless I’m with you to hold you and bring you tissues.)

The Poetry Vlog

Thank you to Chelsea for asking me to catch up and to chat about a project I consider (mostly) complete!

Despite the Merc Rx follies, our video being useless, audio giving her terrible problems, the lag making us trip over each other’s words, and me sounding like I just woke up and am calling from an alternate plane of existence, it was really fun to spend virtual time with each other, speaking about our primary love. I only regret that I popped home from work during lunch to do this because you can tell I’m still in work mode and not properly in a poetry head space — my reading is terrible and rushed. Switching speeds can incredibly hard for me, but I’d cross treacherous rivers and terrible oceans if it meant I got to talk poetry for even a few minutes.

😐

REMEMBER THAT TIME OVER A WEEK AND A HALF WHEN I WROTE THE MOST GORGEOUS, HEARTBREAKING, AND CANDID ESSAY ABOUT THE INDULGENCE OF OBSESSIVE GRIEF AND THEN I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT AND IT CAN’T EVER COME BACK AND HAPPY URANUS RETROGRADE / ECLIPSE SEASON. I GUESS IT’S NOT AS BAD AS THAT TIME I LOST A HARD DRIVE OF WRITING SO.

644
lemongrab gets it

 

 

post, eclipse

8 Strength, Vertigo Tarot
favorite card from the Vertigo deck, which i’ve had forever and never use

I always like to think I’m sitting eclipses out when I don’t have a lot of activity in the houses they are occurring in. I never am. It’s never true. I did get through that New Moon Cancer one in early July pretty easily, but in general, I always, always rue that thinking. What a shocking, but also amazingly verdant and unfolding few days.

Things I’ve learned include:

  • EMDR is strong fucking medicine, and now I’ve had cause to see how far reaching and transformative that work can be, how it can work when you dearly need it to. As trauma healing modalities go, by far one of the most potent.
  • Related: no matter the context, men showing how they can soft-land combination punches on your head, face, and body and ultimately render you powerless, is always vibrantly ignorant and tone-deaf, and always requires divorcing from logic the fact that the woman in front of them has almost surely experienced assault and or trauma (conservative numbers, 1 in 3). You aren’t showing us anything we don’t know. You are just re traumatizing and entirely part of the problem.
  • People are hereby paying me to talk with me about tarot and astrology, which my friends are surely breathing a collective sigh of relief about.
  • The riskiest thing I do is go running in wooded areas alone with headphones on and I will not give it up.
  • I’m writing a sprawling essay about the indulgence of obsessive grief. I don’t know what will come of it or if I’ll end up abandoning it, but it’s the best thing I’ve written in a while. It’s an idea I lived for a long time, by grace was able to move out of, and now look at from a distance. I don’t know if Candace coined the term, but I’m betting she talks about it in the podcast with Sarah, here, which I still need to listen to. And, I’m betting I interpret it pretty differently than she does.
  • I dance exactly the same way as I did and always have. In a way, it’s such a relief to know. Like learning I can still fluently speak a first language I never have occasion to use. And, ‘Strict Machine’ by Goldfrapp will always get me to any dance floor, sidewalk, tiny clearing of floor space, at anytime, always.
  • Related, I have no idea how I used to dance for 4-5 hours straight, 2-3 times a week.
  • Tiny, ash colored spiders keep dropping onto me.
  • Everything is shifting.

Anyone who needs a single podcast that will rock you: This is as controversial as tarot gets; this is strong medicine, tarot related or not. These are a lot of things a lot of people don’t want to hear but are true. It’s partly why I don’t believe in, or practice, predictive tarot and it’s why I don’t do ‘Does he / she love me?!’ tarot questions… those are the wrong questions.

Other podcasts of note: Inside Jaws. Ear Hustle.