Having been shown –
Alone on a train platform and dressed in a slate blue coat and matching hat, but my hair is bright blonde, and it’s the 40s, and another reality.
Trains speed through and do not slow. Loud, and windy. Bone shaking.
He walks up, kisses me and leaves.
Then he walks up. Kisses me. Leaves.
Factual departures, spent limerence.
Two men approach me from either side. I leave, walk forward onto a train.
Seated next to the door, it’s clean. Late morning, sparsely occupied. Out the window is pristine, clear blue, verdant grass and mountains, just tall enough for snow caps.
Nobody who knows me is alive, and I know no one any longer.
Once arrived, in a white cotton crepe short-sleeved dress with small red embroidered flowers at the breast and pockets, red shoes, carrying a picnic basket over a footpath crossing above a creek.
On the other side, I spread a blanket on damp grass, facing the mountains.
An unknown man with broad shoulders shows up in shirtsleeves and a loose tie, reclining on the blanket. I rest my head on his shoulder, stare at the sky. The feeling is forlorn, fathomless isolation.
At night I walk down a wet cobbled street into an old village restaurant with low light, heavy wood. I remove short white gloves and rest them on my bag. It’s lively; conversations, restaurant sounds. I’m seated on a banquette, across from me is an empty chair. Bereaved, bereft. A bowl is set in front of me.
At a hotel with light coral walls, I sit on the single bed, remove my stockings. A desolation, and terminal void. Turning in, under the covers, under the window, under a moon.
In the morning seated on the bedside, a heavy gun. I shoot myself through the right temple.